Psychotherapy and Counselling in Uxbridge | Hillingdon

 01895 467046 07497 110065

Couples Therapy

When good feelings about each other have gone and the relationship has become a living hell, often couples become ready for change as they never have before. Usually one partner takes the initiative when the pain of the conflict exceeds the fear of doing something about it.

It may seem that nothing short of a miracle is needed to repair the relationship yet something stops us from leaving: it may be that we cannot simply walk away when we have invested so much hope and energy in the relationship; or it may be a gnawing feeling that leaving would not necessarily make things better – we may end up regretting it or maybe there are things about ourselves that are likely to follow us into our next relationship or undermine a fulfilling life as a single person.

Staying Together

If two people have the potential and are willing to grow in themselves, couples therapy enables the relationship itself to be seen and experienced in a completely different way and it often proves to be the very foundation needed for each individual to learn something of great importance about themselves, about their partner and about life and its meaning. In other words, the relationship itself represents the potential that causes the individuals in it to grow and develop. What could be more worthwhile!?

Conflict and Unhappiness in Relationships

In therapy we understand all conflict and unhappiness in a relationship within a frame of personal growth: that is, growth for each person in the couple and growth for the relationship itself. (By personal growth we mean psychological insight and understanding; emotional health and mastery; and spiritual maturity.) In other words we come to see that the purpose of the relationship is personal growth and that the conflict and unhappiness we are experiencing are the motors which propel us towards fulfilling this purpose. This produces many positive side effects – the two individuals grow in self-esteem and energy and have the freedom to become their authentic selves and within the relationship there is an increase in feelings of love, happiness, co-operation and partnership.

Getting Our Needs Met

The usual starting point in a relationship is that we are in it because we want our needs of various kinds to be met. When we discover that our partner is unable to satisfy all our needs all of the time we may try and manipulate them into doing so and usually end up making unreasonable demands – often with menaces – on our loved one! This sort of manipulation always fails. To effect real change in the relationship we first have to take a growth step in our own right and here therapy enables us to take a searching and constructive look at ourselves and then take some sort of action from this place of integrity. It is humbling to discover that the relationship grows only when we face our own vulnerabilities and are bold in moving forward for both of us. And again as an effect of this we discover that our deepest needs become fulfilled in a completely different way.

Cherishing your Your Relationship

Through therapy we learn to behold our relationship as a precious “something” in its own right, something which needs to be nurtured and stimulated to grow – but we must also see and aim beyond it. When we aim beyond trying to make our relationship fulfil all of our needs, we individuate – that is we become more a particular person in our own right, not defined in terms of our other – and, at the same time, we learn to cherish our relationship both in our hearts and in practical ways. This enables the relationship itself to individuate and grow – and we discover we have it to come back to and be refreshed by time and time again.

A Note About Abusive Relationships

Some relationships do not have this potential – for example, when a partner has an intention to abuse or denigrate the other. If this is true for you, be strong and book a session in your own right. Here the work is about discovering you can come to value yourself more and more and demonstrate this in simple practical ways such that you grow in health and well-being and feel more able to take whatever action you need.

Contact me in confidence for a no-obligation discussion to find out how therapy could help you.

Email david@davidnewns.co.uk

Telephone 01895 467046   Mobile 07497 110065